You know, I talked to a friend of mine a few minutes ago. He mentioned to me I could record some music and he could work on it and build it up and stuff. And I just got super excited.
I searched online for ways to record music on the pc, because it's easier and is good for beginners. And it could be really fun to create something without completely committing yourself and chaining up to something.
And I got this spark of life, something I didn't have for a very long time.
I thought about all the possibilities. All the choices and chances I have.
All the freedom there is in life.
And then I remembered bands like The Stooges, or Metallica.
Bands that built something when they were young and full of life. Created an idea, a way of life. Well not a way of life, but more like, something to look back at and say "These guys are the real deal. They're not some corporate sponsored franchise bullshit dedicated to sucking just as much money as they can. Like every tiny small amount, they will try to get it. No, these guys don't care about the money. They don't care about getting something in return. They just want to make the best music they can and have fun at it."
But then, after they peaked, it won't be the same. No, these guys now want something for their hard work.
They want to get paid. So they release shitty albums and take as much photos as they can and promote their events with lots of effects and crap that no one really cares about.
Basically, they sell out. They sell out their ideas and all the credibility they earned. And they don't care, they don't see anything wrong with it.
Henry Rollins discusses this issue in music. Basically, he doesn't think they sell out. They just want to get paid for their hard work. They're not the same guys, they grew up. Integrity is for the young. When you grow big, you understand nobody cares about integrity and no one cares about authenticity, they just care about how much money they can earn and how fast.
People all inherently want to earn as much as they possibly can, screw the people in the way. It's the human nature.
Well, fuck that.
I wanted to build my life. I wanted to create a lot. To contribute to society and find my place in it.
And then, I just got hit by this, big fucking dose of real life. What the fuck am I fantasizing about? Actually putting effort into this shitty fucking life? Why? Everyone will just try to take advantage of me, try to hurt me, try to destroy me. And by everyone, I include myself. Yes, apparantly, competition is the human nature. Of course I'd like to get paid (Not as in money, but still, I'd like to get something good out of working) for my hard work. Of course I'd sell out.
And that's why I fucking hate human nature, including, myself. And I fucking hate the fact I can't deny it, and I can't convince myself it's good.
This species is destined to murder itself, to kill everyone and suck just as much as they possibly can out of every little living thing. I feel sorry for everyone who ever put any kind of effort into anything other than ending their life.
Oh, oh, and another funny thing is. I can't even end my life. No. I'm too scared. Yeah, human nature to the rescue once again. I fear pain and a sense of danger, because I'm fucking normal. Nothing is physically stopping me from say, climb some fucking huge building and jumping off of it. Well maybe a little fear of the fact that if it won't work, my life will be even shittier. But no, that barely concerns me. I'm more concerned over the fact of hurting myself, even if I know it'll be better off this way.
I'm scum, I'm a leech, I'm human.
P.S. This whole rant started rising at my brain when I started thinking about jealousy.
I used to think that when someone said something to someone else about not liking something about them and they responded "you're just jealous", it was funny. Because yeah, I imagined them as that closed up, ignorant of his surrounding character. That one that flaunts a ridiculously big hat he's wearing and responds with jealously claims when anyone says anything that isn't positive about it.
And no, the reality is so far off. As a matter of fact, the people that came up with the cartoon were actually jealous of someone, without even realizing it.
Yes, I was one of those that was not aware of when he was jealous. I was not aware of the fact I trash talked someone just because I was really jealous of them.
Like say If I was at a show and someone was having fun on stage doing ridiculous things, I'd call them idiots and boo them. Because would be jealous of the fun they are having because I'm unhappy on the inside. I would try to rationalize it by saying it's for their best interest that I let them know how stupid they look. Yes, I would actually believe that nonsense. I still do fall back on it, because it's hard to lose that habit. But at least I'm aware of it. That's good, right?
Ignorance is bliss.
That's a pretty long P.S., I know, but I wanted to write about this and didn't know where to include it.
I think I know why I want to write about stuff. It makes me see the things in a somewhat different light.
I get to think about stuff going on inside of my brain. I get to see how it looks to someone else, to an extent.
It lets me reflect on my thoughts.
Mostly, it lets me share my thoughts with something, and I can also look back on it and see what was rumbling in my head. I never get to do that and unless I really really focus on what went inside my head, I forget it all after an hour.
Now's the part where I try to calm myself down, trying to convince myself that not all is bad. That my reality isn't as shitty as it appears and once I calmed down a bit, I can see things in a different perspective.
Well, I TRIED to do that but honestly, that is my reality. There's no different perspective. I can't change my DNA. It's not that it's really hard but if I put my mind to it, I might change my instincts. No, it really is too late. I'm so used to rely on my instincts that I can't fucking even begin to imagine what it'd be like to think differently.
And I suppose this is what this blog is about.
Me, and my inability to change my shitty life.
This feels liberating. To figure out why I immediately thought about that title for the blog.
Also, this is a much easier and better process than talking with a psychiatrist because I seem to have a habit of lying about stuff in order to appear better or feel better about myself, to other people. Here I just show it like it really is. Really open up and it does help, in a way.
Also, about the weird and unorganized order of paragraphs.
This is mostly a stream of consciousness form of writing. I'd hate to edit the way it comes out. That would take away some of the meaning it has, no? I mean, the way certain aspects of my writing inspire new ideas and all that, you could really learn about the way my mind works, don't you agree?
I suppose that really is all, for now.
Oh, right. About the last post and all.
Well, I don't know. It was just a matter of common courtesy. I wouldn't want to leave the 0 people that actually read this shit hanging. I don't know if i'll continue this. Probably not. Most likely not, don't bother.
Music? I wasn't listening to anything. Guess I'll just share one of my fav albums.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven
I don't know what to say about this album. Or any other albums I might want to share in the future.
I'm not good with properly describing the reason I pick anything so I'll just explain the album.
It's atmospheric music. The atmosphere changes in the song from loud to low and invokes many emotions.
The albums generates a bit of an apocalyptic mood in me. An apocalyptic yet hopeful mood. The songs are rather long, about 20 minutes on average for each one. I really recommend this album to people who really like deep, long, inspiring music. Patient people. I'm not a very patient person so I had trouble getting into this one at first, but I really like it now. There are no lyrics, I warn you beforehand, just a few samples.
Here's a 3 parts sample.
Download
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