Regrets

I just woke up.
I don't think I've slept enough, I'm still rather tired and it's quite dark outside.
But I wanted to write about something.

I've had this dream.
I dreamt about my ex. We were still together. She drove me to a bar and The Apples's Kings was playing in the background. She turned into a hipster, great. She didn't look like one, but that album reeks hipsters to me, for some reason. Having only heard half a song off of it when I was working at Tower Records, I immediately assumed that's how the rest sounds. I went on to say "Funk'n'stein did this better". I haven't actually heard either of those but I assumed they made similar music, Funk.

Anyway, we went inside. It wasn't a regular bar. It kinda looked like a classroom. It was lit very well but and the furniture was some kinda polished wood. The place was filled with hipsters at first glimpse.But a few moments in, I met one of my old classmates. I said a mannered hi even though I couldn't really stand the guy. I twisted my hand. Now obviously, in real life, when I would twist my hand to someone it's a way of asking of question, any kind of it. Most commonly regarding the time. But in Dream Land, it obviously means "what are you doing here" in a non rude way. Thank god for the twist hand.
He immediately responded "eating". Ah, cynicism exists in dream world as well, I could die happy there.

Getting closer to the table I saw Kyp Malone from TV on The Radio and greeted him too as if he was one of my classmates. I don't even like them that much, what the hell. I didn't ask him what's he doing here, I think at that point I started understanding I'm at some freaky class reunion.
But I didn't really study with that other classmate, we happened to share some classes but he was in another class.
Suddenly a frog came jumping on my shoulder and I asked "who did we turn into a frog". Let the record say I've never experimented in any frogcraft whatsoever. I swear. Well maybe a few gags here and there but I swear nothing on this scale.
So uh, then a few people I've never actually seen replied "Kremer" and me, along with everybody else in that room laughed our hearts out, scaring the little frog, or maybe insulting this illusive "Kremer". Poor guy. He hopped on to the next table but got stuck in its side and got stretched out, somehow. But he was ok, it was more like a comics stretch. Maybe he went "boiiing" afterwards but I can't remember the rest.
My ex went on to hang around the tables.
And that really is all I can remember from that dream.
I had another one with her earlier but I can't remember it. Maybe little bits of it. Something about being in a mall's car park, an outdoors one. In the night. She was talking to some old couple who were supposed to exchange goods with her and I was waiting on the side.
Can't really remember anything else besides some dream I had featuring her and me in a mall and pulling some prank on a crepe dealer. Good times.

So, after waking up I started remembering the fun times I had with her at first. I suppose we all do that from time to time.
I also remembered what happened towards the end. It was my shitty personality that kicked in. I got too involved in the relationship and ended up distancing myself.
At first, it ended pretty simple. We chatted in msn and agreed it's not working and we should split.
After a day or two I had second thoughts so I asked her if she wants to go out or w/e. Obviously she said, no.
More days passed, I realized what I lost. I realized this stupid fucking personality ruined this great relationship. So I took out my frustrations of life on her. I sent her this kinda ugly if not rather short message on facebook calling her a whore and a bitch and I hope bad stuff happen to her. You know, the usual ugly breakup letter only it was just 4 or 5 sentences. Then we went on our separate lives and never saw each other again.
So why do I seldom have dreams with her? Well, since she was a part of my life, I still dream about her.
I still think she remembers me as I remember her. Hope, actually. But she doesn't. She's probably happy with her new boyfriend and completely forgotten about me. And that's good because that's what every sane person does.

So remembering her reminded me of how bad we broke up and I honestly just want to tell her I'm sorry. For the shitty letter, for the distant way I acted towards the end, for not giving her a present, for letting my stupid friend influence me into ruining your present. I really am, and I hope you're much better off now without me.

So why not simply send her this apology? Why not let her know that here I am, completely understanding my mistakes. Make her feel good about herself and understanding it's not her fault.
I can't send her this apology. I can't fucking remind her of that horrible time she spent with me. What, I should send it just so I could fucking feel good about myself? I can't lower my stupid ego and think about the consequences of my actions? No, that's the worst thing I can do at this point. If you love something let it go.

Ugh, again with the music. Music music music. That's all I hear from you. It's like you completely skipped all of that just to check the music in here.
Well, again, I wasn't actually listening to anything. I could share something I like, though. Would that please you?

Death by Panda - Arms and Allocation nom


Mmm, delicious Ambient/IDM/Post-Rock
Great for zoning out. Makes you feel like the world's oldest tree, watching humanity destroy itself from the side while you just bask in your peacefulness.

I kinda regret being born. I know I don't deserve any friends. Aye, it's a blank existence.