Regrets

I just woke up.
I don't think I've slept enough, I'm still rather tired and it's quite dark outside.
But I wanted to write about something.

I've had this dream.
I dreamt about my ex. We were still together. She drove me to a bar and The Apples's Kings was playing in the background. She turned into a hipster, great. She didn't look like one, but that album reeks hipsters to me, for some reason. Having only heard half a song off of it when I was working at Tower Records, I immediately assumed that's how the rest sounds. I went on to say "Funk'n'stein did this better". I haven't actually heard either of those but I assumed they made similar music, Funk.

Anyway, we went inside. It wasn't a regular bar. It kinda looked like a classroom. It was lit very well but and the furniture was some kinda polished wood. The place was filled with hipsters at first glimpse.But a few moments in, I met one of my old classmates. I said a mannered hi even though I couldn't really stand the guy. I twisted my hand. Now obviously, in real life, when I would twist my hand to someone it's a way of asking of question, any kind of it. Most commonly regarding the time. But in Dream Land, it obviously means "what are you doing here" in a non rude way. Thank god for the twist hand.
He immediately responded "eating". Ah, cynicism exists in dream world as well, I could die happy there.

Getting closer to the table I saw Kyp Malone from TV on The Radio and greeted him too as if he was one of my classmates. I don't even like them that much, what the hell. I didn't ask him what's he doing here, I think at that point I started understanding I'm at some freaky class reunion.
But I didn't really study with that other classmate, we happened to share some classes but he was in another class.
Suddenly a frog came jumping on my shoulder and I asked "who did we turn into a frog". Let the record say I've never experimented in any frogcraft whatsoever. I swear. Well maybe a few gags here and there but I swear nothing on this scale.
So uh, then a few people I've never actually seen replied "Kremer" and me, along with everybody else in that room laughed our hearts out, scaring the little frog, or maybe insulting this illusive "Kremer". Poor guy. He hopped on to the next table but got stuck in its side and got stretched out, somehow. But he was ok, it was more like a comics stretch. Maybe he went "boiiing" afterwards but I can't remember the rest.
My ex went on to hang around the tables.
And that really is all I can remember from that dream.
I had another one with her earlier but I can't remember it. Maybe little bits of it. Something about being in a mall's car park, an outdoors one. In the night. She was talking to some old couple who were supposed to exchange goods with her and I was waiting on the side.
Can't really remember anything else besides some dream I had featuring her and me in a mall and pulling some prank on a crepe dealer. Good times.

So, after waking up I started remembering the fun times I had with her at first. I suppose we all do that from time to time.
I also remembered what happened towards the end. It was my shitty personality that kicked in. I got too involved in the relationship and ended up distancing myself.
At first, it ended pretty simple. We chatted in msn and agreed it's not working and we should split.
After a day or two I had second thoughts so I asked her if she wants to go out or w/e. Obviously she said, no.
More days passed, I realized what I lost. I realized this stupid fucking personality ruined this great relationship. So I took out my frustrations of life on her. I sent her this kinda ugly if not rather short message on facebook calling her a whore and a bitch and I hope bad stuff happen to her. You know, the usual ugly breakup letter only it was just 4 or 5 sentences. Then we went on our separate lives and never saw each other again.
So why do I seldom have dreams with her? Well, since she was a part of my life, I still dream about her.
I still think she remembers me as I remember her. Hope, actually. But she doesn't. She's probably happy with her new boyfriend and completely forgotten about me. And that's good because that's what every sane person does.

So remembering her reminded me of how bad we broke up and I honestly just want to tell her I'm sorry. For the shitty letter, for the distant way I acted towards the end, for not giving her a present, for letting my stupid friend influence me into ruining your present. I really am, and I hope you're much better off now without me.

So why not simply send her this apology? Why not let her know that here I am, completely understanding my mistakes. Make her feel good about herself and understanding it's not her fault.
I can't send her this apology. I can't fucking remind her of that horrible time she spent with me. What, I should send it just so I could fucking feel good about myself? I can't lower my stupid ego and think about the consequences of my actions? No, that's the worst thing I can do at this point. If you love something let it go.

Ugh, again with the music. Music music music. That's all I hear from you. It's like you completely skipped all of that just to check the music in here.
Well, again, I wasn't actually listening to anything. I could share something I like, though. Would that please you?

Death by Panda - Arms and Allocation nom


Mmm, delicious Ambient/IDM/Post-Rock
Great for zoning out. Makes you feel like the world's oldest tree, watching humanity destroy itself from the side while you just bask in your peacefulness.

I kinda regret being born. I know I don't deserve any friends. Aye, it's a blank existence.

I wish I could live

Yep, I'm still alive.
I don't know why, though. It's not like I actually have any specific reason to. Don't even see a reason to in the future, life is just going on like it always has. Can't be bothered to try and fix it because I can't.

So yeah, here I am, doing the least bit I can, as to not waste powers on unimportant things so I won't delve into an even deeper state of depression.

Anyway...
I noticed I don't think of post-rock bands in the context of a band.
As in one guy playing this, the other doing that, etc..
It's more like a wholesome sound. And if I start focusing on individual parts of the music, it ends up sounding like shit.
I think everyone does it, actually. Don't know why did I end up writing about it.


Also, why do Japanese people create such fucking dishonest music?
Every time I hear stuff that's supposed to be deep and moving made by japanese musicians it ends up sounding fake.
It's like they use textbook examples on how to make moving music, not something actually innovating.
Someone once told me it's supposed to be more subtle. No, subtle is less means more. Subtle doesn't have to mean you play the same fucking thing everyone else does but add a little touch of yours.
It seems as if the only thing they're good for is making non-animated hentai.
But that's just like, you know, my opinion and stuff.

I made a new hotmail account since my other one kept getting tons of spam even though I don't usually share it. Think I'll keep the old one for random forums and the new one for important sites. I won't mention it here though. If you want any of them contact me on last.fm.

Music. HMMM....
Ooh, I know.

Joseph Andreloni's Discography

This guy. This fucking guy right here, is one of the people behind Giraffes? Giraffes!. He offered his entire discography for free some days ago.
Unfortunately, I didn't feel like grabbing it all on that day. What a mistake.
Thankfully, most of the stuff there are still free for download. So grab everything you can.
Not everything is ridiculously mindmelting like More Skin With Milk-Mouth, but it's all honestly good and worth a listen.
Oh and of course start with this album.
Excellent mix of not lolsorandomisoproficientbuthonestlyidon'tknowwhati'mdoing math-rock and post-rock.
The only problem I can find with these guys is that they don't fucking record any more albums after this.

Why am I trying?

You know, I talked to a friend of mine a few minutes ago. He mentioned to me I could record some music and he could work on it and build it up and stuff. And I just got super excited.
I searched online for ways to record music on the pc, because it's easier and is good for beginners. And it could be really fun to create something without completely committing yourself and chaining up to something.
And I got this spark of life, something I didn't have for a very long time.
I thought about all the possibilities. All the choices and chances I have.
All the freedom there is in life.
And then I remembered bands like The Stooges, or Metallica.
Bands that built something when they were young and full of life. Created an idea, a way of life. Well not a way of life, but more like, something to look back at and say "These guys are the real deal. They're not some corporate sponsored franchise bullshit dedicated to sucking just as much money as they can. Like every tiny small amount, they will try to get it. No, these guys don't care about the money. They don't care about getting something in return. They just want to make the best music they can and have fun at it."
But then, after they peaked, it won't be the same. No, these guys now want something for their hard work.
They want to get paid. So they release shitty albums and take as much photos as they can and promote their events with lots of effects and crap that no one really cares about.
Basically, they sell out. They sell out their ideas and all the credibility they earned. And they don't care, they don't see anything wrong with it.

Henry Rollins discusses this issue in music. Basically, he doesn't think they sell out. They just want to get paid for their hard work. They're not the same guys, they grew up. Integrity is for the young. When you grow big, you understand nobody cares about integrity and no one cares about authenticity, they just care about how much money they can earn and how fast.
People all inherently want to earn as much as they possibly can, screw the people in the way. It's the human nature.

Well, fuck that.
I wanted to build my life. I wanted to create a lot. To contribute to society and find my place in it.
And then, I just got hit by this, big fucking dose of real life. What the fuck am I fantasizing about? Actually putting effort into this shitty fucking life? Why? Everyone will just try to take advantage of me, try to hurt me, try to destroy me. And by everyone, I include myself. Yes, apparantly, competition is the human nature. Of course I'd like to get paid (Not as in money, but still, I'd like to get something good out of working) for my hard work. Of course I'd sell out.
And that's why I fucking hate human nature, including, myself. And I fucking hate the fact I can't deny it, and I can't convince myself it's good.

This species is destined to murder itself, to kill everyone and suck just as much as they possibly can out of every little living thing. I feel sorry for everyone who ever put any kind of effort into anything other than ending their life.
Oh, oh, and another funny thing is. I can't even end my life. No. I'm too scared. Yeah, human nature to the rescue once again. I fear pain and a sense of danger, because I'm fucking normal. Nothing is physically stopping me from say, climb some fucking huge building and jumping off of it. Well maybe a little fear of the fact that if it won't work, my life will be even shittier. But no, that barely concerns me. I'm more concerned over the fact of hurting myself, even if I know it'll be better off this way.

I'm scum, I'm a leech, I'm human.

P.S. This whole rant started rising at my brain when I started thinking about jealousy.
I used to think that when someone said something to someone else about not liking something about them and they responded "you're just jealous", it was funny. Because yeah, I imagined them as that closed up, ignorant of his surrounding character. That one that flaunts a ridiculously big hat he's wearing and responds with jealously claims when anyone says anything that isn't positive about it.
And no, the reality is so far off. As a matter of fact, the people that came up with the cartoon were actually jealous of someone, without even realizing it.

Yes, I was one of those that was not aware of when he was jealous. I was not aware of the fact I trash talked someone just because I was really jealous of them.
Like say If I was at a show and someone was having fun on stage doing ridiculous things, I'd call them idiots and boo them. Because would be jealous of the fun they are having because I'm unhappy on the inside. I would try to rationalize it by saying it's for their best interest that I let them know how stupid they look. Yes, I would actually believe that nonsense. I still do fall back on it, because it's hard to lose that habit. But at least I'm aware of it. That's good, right?
Ignorance is bliss.
That's a pretty long P.S., I know, but I wanted to write about this and didn't know where to include it.

I think I know why I want to write about stuff. It makes me see the things in a somewhat different light.
I get to think about stuff going on inside of my brain. I get to see how it looks to someone else, to an extent.
It lets me reflect on my thoughts.
Mostly, it lets me share my thoughts with something, and I can also look back on it and see what was rumbling in my head. I never get to do that and unless I really really focus on what went inside my head, I forget it all after an hour.

Now's the part where I try to calm myself down, trying to convince myself that not all is bad. That my reality isn't as shitty as it appears and once I calmed down a bit, I can see things in a different perspective.
Well, I TRIED to do that but honestly, that is my reality. There's no different perspective. I can't change my DNA. It's not that it's really hard but if I put my mind to it, I might change my instincts. No, it really is too late. I'm so used to rely on my instincts that I can't fucking even begin to imagine what it'd be like to think differently.

And I suppose this is what this blog is about.
Me, and my inability to change my shitty life.

This feels liberating. To figure out why I immediately thought about that title for the blog.
Also, this is a much easier and better process than talking with a psychiatrist because I seem to have a habit of lying about stuff in order to appear better or feel better about myself, to other people. Here I just show it like it really is. Really open up and it does help, in a way.

Also, about the weird and unorganized order of paragraphs.
This is mostly a stream of consciousness form of writing. I'd hate to edit the way it comes out. That would take away some of the meaning it has, no? I mean, the way certain aspects of my writing inspire new ideas and all that, you could really learn about the way my mind works, don't you agree?

I suppose that really is all, for now.

Oh, right. About the last post and all.
Well, I don't know. It was just a matter of common courtesy. I wouldn't want to leave the 0 people that actually read this shit hanging. I don't know if i'll continue this. Probably not. Most likely not, don't bother.


Music? I wasn't listening to anything. Guess I'll just share one of my fav albums.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven


I don't know what to say about this album. Or any other albums I might want to share in the future.
I'm not good with properly describing the reason I pick anything so I'll just explain the album.

It's atmospheric music. The atmosphere changes in the song from loud to low and invokes many emotions.
The albums generates a bit of an apocalyptic mood in me. An apocalyptic yet hopeful mood. The songs are rather long, about 20 minutes on average for each one. I really recommend this album to people who really like deep, long, inspiring music. Patient people. I'm not a very patient person so I had trouble getting into this one at first, but I really like it now. There are no lyrics, I warn you beforehand, just a few samples.

Here's a 3 parts sample.

Download

Seems like the end, I suppose.

Yeah, I've reached that point. I don't feel like continuing this blog.

It doesn't take any effort to write these, honestly, but it was just all new and fascinating that I had to try it.

It was kinda fun, I hope that if anyone actually got any music they enjoyed it.

Feel free to contact me on last.fm for more music.

I'll finish with, of course, The Perfect Album.

My Bloody Valentine - Loveless

So much.

So much has been said about this album. And yet, it feels as if it's not enough. Hardly sufficient discussion has this album took place in.

I can't possibly begin to think about what the hell can I say.

How can anyone successfully describe this album? I think the yin-yang chemistry can best explain it.

It's like having sex after not having any for 1 whole year, while getting constantly teased by "insert most sexually desireable person by reader". And on top of that you discover your bdsm fetish on that ocassion. So it's all overflowing you with emotions. Pain and Happiness. Tons and tons of it. It's so, fucking, good.

Really, don't take my fucking shitty way of typing as any sign of supposed lack of intelligence.

Weather you'll like it or not, you need to hear it. You will not regret hearing this, period.

Here's the discography:

My Bloody Valentine (1986, 320kbps) The New Record By My Bloody Valentine

My Bloody Valentine (1987, v0) Sunny Sundae Smile

My Bloody Valentine (1988, 320kbps) Feed Me With Your Kiss Ep

My Bloody Valentine (1988, v0) Isn't Anything

My Bloody Valentine (1988, v0) You Made Me Realise

My Bloody Valentine (1989, v0) Ecstasy and Wine

My Bloody Valentine (1990, v0) Glider

My Bloody Valentine (1991, v0) Tremolo

My Bloody Valentine (2001, v0) Things Left Behind

I'll just post the other two posts I started writing some days ago. They are unfinished so whatever.

1st Unfinished Post: "Changes"

No, not that shitty Black Sabbath song. God that thing is so bad it makes me want to completely delete what I'm writing now and change the title. Never does one need to mention that song. Ever.

Fuck, it's so cold. I hate this weather. One day I'm sweating like a pig the other one I wake up frozen still.

Can't fucking move my fingers!

Anyway.

I was thinking about the need to constantly change my surrounding and how well I act while being in a new one.

It might have something to do (unfinished part)

Timeless.

I was thinking about how sometimes when you enjoy an album in its entirety there are sometimes a few songs you don't enjoy but on repeated listens you suddenly start to enjoy them. And sometimes prefer them to the other songs you first enjoyed.

That's a timeless album. An album you know people will like say in 10 years will still enjoy.

And when I mean timeless, I don't mean timeless to a person, but rather to mankind.

I remember when I first got big into music. It all started when I heard Dark Side of The Moon.

It wasn't the first album I heard in it's entirety but it was the first one that took more than one listen to fully comprehend.

It seems like it was so long ago that I got into music, but it was all like maybe, 3 years ago? I've come a long way since. I can't even fucking stand Dark Side anymore.

But that wasn't what I wanted to say. What I wanted to say is that, sometimes people reach a point in their life when they hear that special album.

When they get out of their musical cocoon. It's not the same album for everyone. But they get to the part where they hear it and they can't get enough. It's so special, so good. They overplay it. And they keep finding new things in every new listen (that is, until they don't).

That's a timeless album. That no matter how much time passes, someone will hear the album and it will hit that person hard and make him delve into music.

2nd Unfinished Post: "I love and hate last.fm"

Yes, I have a fickle relationship with that site.

Last.fm is great for hearing new music.

No, not getting new music, HEARING it.

There are literally hundred of thousands blogs about music (such as this one, as it turns out to be) that recommend new music for you to listen to. Yes, they all have something you would probably at least like, if only for a few listens.

I have fallen to these blogs's trap. Downloaded about as much as I can carry and now I'm left with actually hearing it all.

No, not fun at all.

(I know how bad the next few lines sound, but bear with me)

But, do not despair. Here's where last.fm comes in.

I need some motivation to actually hear all of that music. Really, I do.

There are a lot of albums in my hard drive at the moment, waiting to be heard. And last.fm gives me sort of a reason to hear them all. Because it scrobbles them.

At first I went into this addiction of scrobbling new albums. Hearing stuff once for the sake of going at almost every occasion when talking with a friend "Yeah I heard that once album of theirs".

It was bad.

I couldn't do anything else, really. I could

AND THAT'S IT!

I've learned a bit from this. I learned quite a bit about myself by looking at my spilled sub-conscious.

Albeit brief, It did taught me that I can't write as well as I thought I do (a 12 year old can write better (Shit, even my comedy is dry and lacks attention)). Reinforced the sad reality that I enforce upon myself, which is, ignorantly shut myself inside from the world and only open up to what I know won't respond.

And then, I continue to whine about how tough the world is and conform myself with the fact I can just end it all if it really gets off hand and that all of this doesn't matter. I'm not really living if I don't put any effort to.

My life is probably sadder (as an outsider viewpoint) than I actually make it up to be and the worst part is that I chose to live it like this.

I don't expect anyone to actually read this shitty blog. I apologize for this mess if anyone actually did read it.

But in all honesty, you should've known better.

That's all, folks.